mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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