Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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