I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
