I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
