i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
