so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
