in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
