Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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