If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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