someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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