...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
