How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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