dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
