my phone needs a breathalizer
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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