can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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