Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
