You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
