i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
