I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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