i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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