Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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