I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
