Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
