they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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