between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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