The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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