I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize