On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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