Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
