I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
