My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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