We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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