Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
