If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
