i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
