Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
