I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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