I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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