I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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