I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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