i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
