1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
