youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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