I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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