I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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