THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
