I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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