I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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