Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Someone signed my nipple.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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