dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize