Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
