then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
