He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
