I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
