this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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