I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
