textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
where does the pee come out of this thing
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
