I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
