I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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