did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
